046

I’ve been feeling really irritable and desolate these past two days. I suppose it’s because I’m reaching the end of my Lady Business but… I don’t know.
(lol everything is going to be slightly stream of conscious and non cohesive but whatever, as Jenni says, it’s my blog I can do whatever the fuck I want.)
I just want to be alone and just lie in bed and read. I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything and I just want to think about the sorry state of my finances and feeling grateful that it’s still snowing because at least everything is white and different.
I hate February, March and November. They’re the ugliest months of the year. Everything is grey and slushy and mush.
It’s easy to fall into the doldrums during these months and I always feel like I’m walking on a tight rope during the 30 some odd days. There’s not enough sun and there’s nothing exciting that happens.
Just… over it.
I finished Paddy Whacked by T.J. English last week and I absolutely adore it. Adore it to the point where I have to buy a physical copy.
I’ve always had a fascination with organized crime and a lot of the books put out are heavily focused on the Italian mafia. Not surprising as The Godfather really brought it to the forefront of pop culture.
Paddy Whacked focuses on the Irish mob and it’s an absolutely fascinating read. I never knew the Irish were so discriminated against when they migrated to America and that “Paddy” was created as a mockery the way “Sambo” was.
It’s a really comprehensive look at Irish mobs. It goes all the way back when the first immigrants first landed in the US all the way to Whitey Bulger. It even touches on Kennedy and THAT was really surprising to me.
While reading it, especially when it got to the wars between the Irish and the Italians you could draw some parallels between what happened in history and what happened in Mario Puzo’s The Godfather.
English does a really good job in relaying all of that history in a very comprehensive way that almost feels like a conversation. He’ll start talking about Legs Diamond and then hit on a point about Bugs Moran and veer off into a whole tanget about Bugs before he gets back to Legs. It’s a little confusing at times but forgivable.
I was surprised to find out he wrote a book called Born to Kill about a Vietnamese gang. Vietnamese gangs never really crossed my mind. I knew the Chinese had the Triads, Japanese the Yakuza etc. but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m trying to get my hands on it, (heard the writing wasn’t as great as his later works because it’s his first book but oh well.)
Paddy Whacked made me realize how different all the infrastructure of various “outfits” were. That’s the most fascinating thing about organized crime to be honest. Now I really want to learn how the traids/yakuza etc. operate as opposed to La Cosa Nostra and… if there’s anything left of the Irish mob. English was pretty sure that it was dying out.
Started Kate Bornstein’s A Queer and Pleasant Danger this week. I’ve just started but I really enjoy Bornstein’s style. It really draws you into all these things that happened throughout her life. It reminds me of Sylvia Plath’s journals… the events were so sweet yet so sad at the same time. It’s really beautiful.
I’ve always tried to stay away from memoirs because they always made me so depressed about my own life lol. Well… when I was younger they did. Now that I’ve put a majority of my angsty years behind me I don’t think my life is that boring. There are a lot of crazy things that happened… and they all kind of hit when I was entering my teen years. How’s that for trans-formative? And besides I’m going on a solo trip to Europe in August! How fab is that going to be?
On Friday I got kind of worried about how much money I was actually going to end up to go on my trip. I’m getting really freaked out and ugh what if I won’t have enough?
askfjslkadfj.
I really want to be able to hit Cinque Terre when I get to Italy. It’s en route to Rome and I don’t think it’ll be so hard to reach it after Venice. (But there’s Verona and Milan in the way…~!!!) Okay, I promise Cinque Terre is the last place I’m adding.
I don’t know how to tell people that I’m planning on going alone and that I *want* to go alone. I mean, I’m not going to ban anyone from coming but I don’t know how to tell them that I will want to spend the majority (read: all) of my time by myself or with strangers? I want to be able to lose myself or find myself or… I don’t know how to word this…
I don’t want any reminders (save for the ones I pack) about home. I don’t want any reminders about my responsibilities at home, or how I act when I’m home or any of my habits. It’s too safe and easy to fall back into routines where there’s a constant physical reminder of “home” with me. I want to be someone other than the person I am when I’m home. I want to be this other person I feel inside of myself and when I do return I hope to be able to coalesce the two sides of myself into one person who’s better than the person I left behind and the person I was without any inhibitions.
I can’t wait to be deliriously selfish. With my time, myself, my body… How do you explain that to someone?
(This doesn’t count lol. It’s harder looking people in the eyes and talking to them face to face. This way I feel like I can talk to anyone and I have no idea and can’t picture how they would react.)
Ah… I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. After this I’ll answer all my emails and texts and maybe I’ll feel better. (I actually kind of feel better now but after I cleaned my fridge yesterday I felt really good.)
I was cleaning out my closet and made up a nice pile of clothes to donate. I kept a lot of it to wear again “someday” or “I might wear it” but I know I never will so I might as well give it away and have some closet space again.
I went through some of my old journals and stories I have stored around… there’s two notebooks I’ve kept when I started journal in grade nine and reading it now makes me cringe, I don’t know why I can’t throw it away lol. I have half a mind to. I like some of the entries but hate most of the others. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I was finally excruciatingly honest in my journals. Bleh I don’t know.
Then when I was clearing out my computer I found drafts for a bunch of stories from years ago and reading some of them over I’m like “I’m a hack, I suck, ugh why.” I like to think I’ve improved since then. In fact I know I have, as I edit CB (slowly, slowly) and I’m thankful for improving. I think it’s because I’ve branched out on what I read a lot more and it really does help.
But it’s also kind of defeating when I read things by others who are so much better like Jenni lol. Her story Will Friedle Does Not Care About You (Nor Does Anybody Else) is amazing. I remember just sitting back after reading it and being speechless. I sometimes think back on it and she posted it months and months ago and it still sticks with me. (I’d link it but idk if she’d be okay with that.)
Anyways, off to deal with my correspondence and all the articles I’ve favourited on Twitter to read~Observations of the Week

Subway, 3:55 pm

A quartet of high school students board at St. George. A trio of girls (Blonde, Brunette and a Redhead) along with one blond boy. Based on their uniforms they either go to a Catholic school or a private school. Leaning more towards private because they are all rather smartly dressed and they are getting off at Royal York.The girls are giggling and one is showing off a new lace black dress she got while the blond boy in a very nice grey jacket (sharp lapels) bobs his head and the girls start talking about him. The Redhead tugs on his jacket sleeve to get his attention.

“What are you listening to?” she asks.

“Billy Joel,” he answers.

They stare back perplexed.

“Kind of soft rock, big in the 70s and 80s…”

“Yeah, I know Billy Joel,” says the Brunette.

“Really? That’s good,” the blonde boy replies.

He then puts on his head phones again and the girls start giggling and staring at him.

“He’s probably listening to Justin Bieber,” says the Blonde.

“Or Katy Perry,” giggles the Brunette.

“Yeah, he looks like he would like Dark Horse,” agrees the Redhead.

“Juicy J!”

He sees them giggling and takes off his head phones with a quizzical smile on his face.

“Do you like Kanye West?” the Brunette asks while her friends laugh.

“I liked Yeezus,” he responds. “He does have some merit.”

This makes the girls laugh.

He wraps his headphones up and puts them back in their case. The girls talk amongst themselves, teasing him while he tries to break into the conversation.

“I love you,” the Brunette says to the boy laughing at him.

“Well, that’s nice. Thank you,” he replies.

“Don’t you love me?” she pretends to pout.

“I take love very seriously, I don’t know you well enough.”

“Don’t you love anyone?” asks the Redhead.

“I love my family… love is something that’s very special,” he answers.

They keep laughing and teasing him and he tries to make sense of their conversation. I almost want to break in and tell him not to worry. It will get better after high school… he’ll find people who gets it.

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