I’m doing everything but my schoolwork right now. I have a presentation on Gothic Horror for my short story class on Friday, I have two different labs due next week, marketing readings, and another three labs to edit and three more labs to do.
But all I’ve been doing today is thinking random dumb thoughts and just lying around musing lol. God I’m such a mess. It’s true what they say, once you’ve been out of school for awhile it’s so hard to get back into the flow. I am wholly unprepared for this university business. Everyone is 18, making friends is 10x more difficult and all I want to do is survive this first semester.
Next semester I am totally scaling back on how much I work. I literally am barely keeping up with school, and all the catch up and getting ahead I did on reading week was completely futile because I’m back behind. Second semester 12 hours, max. Ha. God I hate having no money.
To be honest this whole university thing still scares me. Okay, “technically” this is not my “last chance” at *LIFE* but it really does feel that way. I have to succeed this time and this big expectation thing of me is incredibly daunting. But I guess that’s the point. Buck up, Cat.
The only thing I really, truly regret about my summer trip was coming back when I did. I should have totally started my trip earlier than I did and come back two weeks earlier. Because as soon as I landed it was bam back into school and work while still dealing with jet lag and it hasn’t stopped. I have photos that I haven’t even edited and things from my trip are still scattered around my room and I really haven’t processed everything yet. It still feels weird to be back home bahhhhhhhhhh.
I guess because of that I’ve fallen back into some old habits that I swore off. One of them is PT. He’s the only guy that I’ve met (so far…?) that baits me, challenges me just by staring at me. It starts off slow, a glance then a smirk, a quirk of an eyebrow the suppression of a grin, a tilt of a chin. I confess I never know what he’s really saying when he looks at me like that but I never want to be the first to break eye contact it makes me want to stare him down until he backs off first.
Was it really only a bit over a month ago that he was here? Everything about that weekend was so surreal. Everything else, is not so much a blur, but I can’t recall anything more vivid than the feel of our legs tangling, and how quickly a laugh changes to a gasp. A clenching, a hitch, I could fall madly in love with you…
But now we’re back to talking all the time, playing what if and blurring that line between fantasy and reality more and more. You know it’s bad when you’re both starting to say, “Yeah! We’re going to do this and this is how you’ll react when I do this and please don’t buy me pink clothes I hate them.” We both know it’s never, ever going to work but it’s a security blanket that I can’t put down right now.
I really know what our intimacy feels like now so it’s kind of given everything a different sort of nuance, the substance of our relationship has changed and I totally know this is not going to play out well. Not that it’ll end badly where we hate each other, but maybe to the point where both kind of keep hanging on to that “possibly…maybe…someday…” mindset. Although to be honest we both know that the next guy who entangles his hands in my hair won’t be him, the next girl’s shirt he tugs over the shoulder to kiss won’t be me and all we’ll really have together is a that time in September and that one weekend we met ages and ages ago.
Ew, lol Deborah Cox’s September just popped into my head and I’m like no. That’s not what it is ha but ugh, I’m gross.
The thing that I keep coming back to is him saying that a part of me will always belong to him and a part of him will always belong to me and that use to scare the shit out of me and now I don’t want that to be true at all. I want to belong to myself and be with him/whoever you know? Or maybe I just don’t want to belong to him at all.
I think you become a different person when you’re in love/in a relationship with someone and if you’re not careful you begin to believe that’s who you really are, so when it’s over you end up lost and it becomes 21424342 x harder to put yourself back together because your memory of who you were is almost gone, and the only you that you can vividly remember at the moment is the you you were when you were with them and they will always have all these little pieces of you that you can’t even use anymore.
It’s such a grey, gloomy day today and it’s almost like September sunlight never slid over our bare legs as we laughed and whispered and basically disappeared from the fabric of our lives.