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I’ve been keeping a journal since I was about 7 or 8 but I never saved any of those mainly because they were probably all tossed out during our many moves and/or my mom finding them and reading them and then me needing it to throw it out because she violated my privacy.

However, luckily (or unluckily? Still haven’t decided.) I have saved my journals starting from my freshman year of high school so my absolutely most embarrassing moments are preserved forever.

God, reading back I am so embarrassed but also a little charmed (cause it’s mysef lmao) and kind of shocked that at one point I felt so strongly about one person or in that moment when I can barely remember what exactly happened. I guess it’s always going to be like this, there will always be something else that I’ll feel strongly about and then it’s gone.

They all start when I was reeling from the end of a mutual crush I had on a guy and I can’t remember a thing about him or how it all ended badly–I’m assuming, based on some of my entries loool. We had a fight over something and I tried to say sorry and he said ok and then that was it. And literally the first book is just me going through the five stages of grief over this dude LOL. It’s crazy to me how at one point I could tell you everything about this guy and ~us~ and now he doesn’t exist beyond those pages.

lol

I can’t believe I fucking quoted MYSELF.

On January 6th, 2004 I must have been feeling some type of way because I wrote a whole ass poem about my ~feelings for him called WHITE WATER FEELINGS because of some dumb rambling white water rapids metaphor I started going with and then had the audacity to end with: Wow, that was really poetic.

lmao I hate 14 year old me so much. What a loon. Anyways, for ya’lls viewing pleasure:

WHITE WATER FEELINGS

Liking someone is horrible
yet wonderfully blissful,
terrifyingly thrilling,
and curiously mysterious.

Yet, how do I describe my feelings for you?

My feelings flow,
freely, roughly,
like rapids,
in the wild river of my heart.

I’m too afraid to go rafting,
in the river of my feelings
for you

For fear of,
the rough rapids
knocking me off my raft

Leaving me to drown
and plunging beneath the water
never to be seen again.

But my curiosity,
urges me to try
to conquer these wild rapids
to feel the adrenaline
the wave of emotions
go over me.

Can I conquer these wild feelings in my heart?
Or will the waves be too strong?
knocking me down, the waves cascading over me.

lmfaoooooo I want to burn this whole book but I know I never will. Happy 14 year anniversary to this poem I guess?

Today's featured image is by silkenscreen.tumblr.com

 

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