I’m writing this while I’m still 28 and by the time this gets published I will be 29. Just like that, a year gone in a blink of an eye. So, this is sort of a letter to my future self, embarking on the last year of my 20s, they were nothing what I thought they’d be but they ended up being exactly what I needed. This post isn’t going to be super edited, I’m just trying to jot down things I remember as I remember them.
I’ve been thinking a lot about 29 and that being my last year in my 20s.. especially since my birthday was looming nearer and nearer. I veer from “humans put too much emphasis on these social constructs to make meaning out of life” to “the LAST year of my T W E N T I E S ~ ~ ~!!!!” As a kid, I also expected my 20s to be this magical time that was like Sex and the City (but I’m younger) to Sweet Valley University (but without the random murder). Just a non-stop montage of slow-mo laughing, and continuous whipping my hair around as I ran gaily through multiple cities.
I remember when I first turned 20 and was having a full on panic attack on the bus. I had just come from seeing some friends, it was dusk and I was sitting alone on the back of the 89 bus. We had stopped at Lawrence, and the bus was idling for whatever reason. (Because it’s the 89 and it sucks is probably why tbqh.) I suddenly felt all this expectation fall on me to have the best time ever! But also ace school and advance in my career. Get drunk and have fun! But don’t get hungover and broke. Be healthy but still eat pizza but still look hot while doing it and never gain any weight and only lose. Hook up with some guys but not too many guys but still manage to find time to fall in love at least twice and have long term relationships. It’s time to travel and random late night adventures and nevermind if you have class or work in the morning because you will somehow make it through because you have to because you’re young and twenty and these are supposed to be the best years of your life.
Lmao fuck. No wonder I had a panic attack. I was already feeling so behind compared to everyone I went to high school with (lol I literally do not remember any of them now and I don’t keep in touch with anyone at all from that time, so bloop.) I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, I couldn’t commit to anything, nothing felt right and everything just felt scary all the time. My first few years into my 20s I kept panicking at this unnecessary pressure I heaped onto myself which turned into me freaking out over why I wasn’t having any fun which just increased my panicking. The few years after that I learnt how to suppress everything by ignoring it. Which was super healthy right?
These last few years though, have been great! Genuinely great and they are getting better. Mainly because my priorities have shifted and my thinking has changed. I used to have a “some day” attitude. I would hoard things to be used for “the right time”. I would do a certain activity when this obscure thing was perfect. I’d be happier when I got this kind of job or when I bought this bag etc. It finally dawned on me how limiting that kind of thinking was. Very rarely do things come together exactly how you want them to and when you want them to because things are changing every second with every decision you make. So, now I try to enjoy things as they happen and it has created an abundance of small happy moments.
Today was full of the most brilliant sunshine. That cold sunshine that seems more suitable to March then April. The sun is so bright everything looks white and you can almost fool yourself into excusing the cold wind as merely a cool breeze. The promise of spring is there, faintly, but spring is always about hope.
Tomorrow the forecast calls for rain and as the day faded, the clouds rolled in making rain a certainty. But when the weather goes from bright sun to pouring rain, the in between time is when the magic happens. The blue hours. Where the night feels so thick and enveloping. It seeps in through the cracks and you feel like you’re underwater.
I love it. It reminds me that summer is coming, and with it will come more freedom, more random adventures, more spontaneous moments when suddenly things feel just right. It’s all about the feeling. That moment when you feel totally at peace and content and the moment is absolutely perfect. It’s the feeling you get, not the physical things and your surroundings.
One of my most ardent dreams is to be able to travel back in time and re-live my life again knowing what I know now. I know that changing one little thing in the past can change absolutely everything in the future, but for some reason I am arrogant enough to believe I can make my future life absolutely perfect. This is still something I dream of, but not as desperately as I have before. I’ve learnt that “perfect” moments usually happen when you least expect it. They can be big or small. And I’m learning that perfect moments happen, sitting at Doc and laughing about three different things at the same time with my friends, at a gallery exhibit, lying on my bed and stretching my body very slowly, petting a dog, eating your favourite dish..
I’ve had a pretty shitty couple weeks. Disappointing news from work really gutted me and had me feeling depressed and like a complete loser. Surprisingly throughout those two weeks there were still plenty of times when I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. I saw Infinity Mirrors and I went to brunch with friends… it was a nice reminder that I am not my job or my salary. It was a nice reminder that there are so many other things that make me truly happy and are worthwhile. It was a nice reminder that there is always something on the horizon.
The friends I have now or not the friends I thought that I would have. The friends I had were friends that I thought I would have forever. It’s great and sad at the same time. I’m beyond happy with how much my friend circle has expanded but it is always sad when friendships fizzle out after awhile. But I try to keep in mind that we are all changing as people everyday and sometimes you just can’t vibe with them anymore. Or maybe just at this point in time. And it’s fine.
29 isn’t as old as some people make it out to be. (In any case I don’t feel 29 at all so~~) And I have no idea what the next 29 years are going to be like. But I think I’ll end up okay because there’s going to be more days when the sky turns into a perfect palette of colours, there’s going to be laughter for sure and I’m seeing An American in Paris tonight, and I am seeing Janet at the Jessie Ware concert next month. So there’s always something somewhere on the calendar.
So happy birthday to me, and hopefully I continue to blossom.
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